"The Idealized North American Family"
There are two major, formative events happening in my life right now. I became a father 16 mos ago (and going for a repeat this upcoming May) and my parents are getting old (dad turns 70 this yr). And so understandably so, family has been forefront in my mind as of late, particularly, what is the so-called Christian vision of family? A few tantalizing thoughts from
profs Bob Derrenbacker and Phil Long have got my juices flowing. These are some thoughts emerging from our discussion on Biblical backgrounds and contexts (esp. the 1st Century Greco / Roman / Judeo):
- It aint exactly the Focus on the Family vision. Derr. says: “Family Values” advocates aren’t really understanding the Biblical worldview of family at all. Rather, they are “idealized North American family values”.
- Otherwise, why wouldn’t they be talking more about care for the elderly? This is challengeable, as I’m not a follower of Focus on the Fam. But from what little I’ve heard it’s often about the immediate nuclear family, raising boys, wives submitting, and very little about what to do for the aging parent. I wonder what their offical position on nursing homes is? Do they talk more about this?
- What did “family” look like in the New Testament context? Bob Derrenbacker says watch THE GODFATHER as an accurate reflection / reflects what family looked like in NT. (says prof Bob Derrenbacker!!!) Particularly on the honor / shame culture, patrafamilia (patriarchy), feasting, extended families under one roof. Not that this is the ideal for us, but the current N. American perspective of family is not necessarily ideal either.
- Leaving home is a cinch - compared to then. Following a call, breaking with family was a huge taboo in culture back then. Causes one to reflect, if leaving home is so easy today (relatively), how does this reflect on contemporary discipleship?
- Do the “Old World” families have it right? I can’t help wondering if the backwardness of growing up a 2nd gen immigrant has been a blessing in disguise, for some of these “Old World” family values still stick around. Does anybody else share this sentiment of growing up as an immigrant?
Which leads me to thinking about how I want my boy (and girl) raised in a “village”, communally. This is idealistic. And not so simple; alas, life has a way of complicating things. But how do you want to raise your family? Or conversely, how do you wish you were raised?
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Well Wayne, I’m not quite sure if I grew up with an Old World pattern or not… just a typical working class Black family background, though I’ve discovered that the lives of my immediate and extended family are much more intertwined than those of my Anglo friends. Nieces & nephews, cousins, aunts & uncles are all part of the equation and always have been. The unmarried have a seat at the table always. Though I am unmarried, the most difficult thing for me to consider in starting my own family is that my children will grow up without cousins around the same age, or spending summers at my parents house, as did my nieces and nephews.
Family was always and still is a big deal in how we live our lives. I can hardly imagine going years without seeing my siblings, like some people do. I want my kids to have the same benefit I did. I think it has made me a better adult, and certainly better able to adapt.
As for Focus on the Family, they do indeed talk about the issue of caring for aging parents, as well as divorce, single parenthood, abuse & addiction, and many many other things. It’s better to get information directly from the source rather than going on hearsay and stereotypes.
I’m not certain about the Focus on the Family comparison. The little I’ve read from Dobson, say, is often advice (typically good advice) on raising kids. Yet, if there is an emphasis on extended families, then why does the Bible tell the husband to leave his father and mother when he joins with his wife?
Also, the man typically referred to as the father of faith was called to take his wife and leave his family. His nephew came with him, but that led to trouble, rather than to blessing.
While I don’t mean to suggest that an extended family is not important, given the prominence of the commandment given to Adam and the commandment given to Abraham, it seems a mistake to place too much of an emphasis on the extended family.
that was exactly the question I asked JO – and it shows all the more how radical it was in that context to leave it all behind and follow the call… but it was also answered that we have to hold both in tension and not one as the better of the two; i.e., both discipleship but also family. I’ve heard some horror stories of people who were all discipleship but had no Biblical concept of family – John Wesley for example. Great man, but failed marriage…
I also think that it takes a unique missionary person who leaves with his/her nuclear family to go out and be on their own; I think often of Abraham / Jacob / Joseph. In such a setting I wonder if God had called such persons to start their own legacy in a new place, with a new “familia”, with a new clan… ? Conversely, I wonder if such persons are ever called to go back to the larger extended family, as was the case with Jacob. In Joseph’s case, interestingly, the family all came out to HIM – the question is who do we relate to most? Abe, Jac, or Jo? I still wonder about that….
That’s an interesting point. I guess the familial proximity one has is dependent on one’s calling. If a person can live near extended family productively and at peace-and are called to do so-then that is great. If this is not possible and/or one is not called to live near extended family, then this is fine, too. I’ve heard some idealize the extended family life, such that it is wrong if any other living arrangement is sought, but the Biblical example of Abraham, say, argues against making living near one’s extended family a mandate.
For me, I cleary feel more like Abraham. I have since leaving the “country” where I was born to travel to another by God’s call felt a natural alignment with Abraham’s call, but one particular sermon I heard regarding Lot (that Lot traveling with Abraham was a mistake on Abraham’s part) solidified that alignment for me. For some, the call is truly to leave one’s extended family.